There is the death of a thousand cuts

Why can’t you do anything right?

Why are you so fat?

You are such a bucket head!

You sweat too much!

You are so stupid!

Your father left!

I didn’t want you to know your grandmother!

You are a lousy husband!

You are not the man I married!

You did not become the man I thought you would be!

You are a bad father!

You hurt me!

Why can’t you love me like I want?

Why don’t you pray and read the Bible with me?

You are smart enough to know better!

You put your work before us!

You didn’t pastor the way you should have!

You do not care!

So many many more. Each one a cut, a jab. I try so hard to not feel sorry for myself.

You are stupid to waste your time feeling sorry for yourself!

I try not to let them pile up.

I have told you this time after time and you never change!

I trust in God to love me.

You are such a sinner and can’t let go of the pornography!

I read Hebrews 6 and realize I have humiliated God and am cut off from Him.

So now I wait.

I continue to worship the God who deserves it even though I humiliated Him and am cut off because God is still worthy of praise. I pray for those in need hoping God will still hear my prayer. I lay here disabled and just try to make it through each hour. At times the pain is so horrific but I deserve it for I have dishonored God and hurt others. When this started I thought it was to glorify God but now I know it is just a preparation for hell. I wait for this pain to become the eternal pain I deserve. I am not depressed I just know.

So now I wait.