It is too late.

I wanted to get away to find some peace but I couldn't.

It was too difficult. Not possible.

Then I watched a “true life” story about a chaplain coming back from Iraq with PTSD. It was so simple, over in less than an hour. Back together and then they want to send him to a hotter fire. Let's celebrate the victory even while they mock the dark pain and suffering of others.

I got so angry and then I collapsed. It is about 3 in the morning and I would be angry but I am just empty. Why did I stay and watch so long? Why did I say what I said? People will tell me they had to deal with it this way to show how important it is to get help but it offered a quick fix even while teaching the opposite. For me it is a disaster making shame rise like bile in my throat. I HURT LIKE HELL! I FEEL THE FIRE BURNING AND DESTROYING WHAT IS LEFT OF MY SOUL. Why? So many whys. Too many whys. I am so ashamed. I am not enough. I am not.